Blitsy Crafts: Christmas in July Giveaway

I would really LOVE to win the NEW Tim Holtz distress markers!  I thought I'd buy them too but seems they aren't for sale in the July promotion?

Dear Public Diary

Dear Public Diary,

Right now I sit in a hotel room in Austin, TX.  I'm here for two weeks for work.  A job that most do not know I have worked hard for most of my life.  NO degree, just starting at the bottom end of a totem pole every time I started a new job and tried and tried to prove myself my worth and my value add.  In 2000, an employer finally saw my worth and hired me.  And this employer was always the employe I wanted to work for.  I am now working and living the job I wanted 25+ years ago when I was skinnier and healthier and also had more vitality.  The last four days I look in the mirror and I cry.  I have let myself go so bad that I cannot stand the sight of myself and for some stupid reason I think the Biggest Loser or someone will discover me and take me under their wing and help this relentless and procrastinating fat soul.  I use to take care of myself all the time and in the past 2 years especially I have let go.  I'm in this tired sappy, zapped mode right now from no sleep in the last 48 hours and am a bit emotional and delirious.  This week I love my job - I feel important and I feel I am being noticed for my efforts and it makes me feel good.  I am actually working around people instead of working from my small desk in my stuffy office wit no doors at my house.  I get all pumped up and skip on back to my hotel, then I look in the mirror again.  I know what I am capable of and what I have done and can probably do, but why do I hold back so much from taking care of myself?  I am writing these feelings down in hopes I can erase some thoughts off of my mind so I can sleep tonight.

NO ONE has no idea what it's like to be in the mind of a fat person unless you are one.  I eat the same as I ever did.  I love carbs like I always did.  Except I don't exercise and I do not eat right. I am getting old, going through Peri-menopause, have hypothyroidism and am stressed out 95% of the time and obviously don;t sleep.  NO WONDER why I am FAT!  AND people wonder!  I want people to read this because I want people to know why I look the way I do.  I am 100% responsible for myself and I have let go of myself.  The other factors don't help but I am responsible to take care of numero UNO - ME.  Fat chance in this happening - as I have no gumption no motivation.  It's like I need Bob or Jillian at my house every day driving me crazy to eat right and exercise - well one fat person can only dream.  And this universe shit - I understand the concept - BUT - if the universe is so powerful - then it knows what we want - sending mixed signals or positive signals really isn't it.  The Universe is powerful to know what a person 'really' wants.  I've tried all that positive shit and it really boils down to life is life and no universe has nothing to do with the outcomes.

I feel like a crazy person some days - going through my silent anxiety.  Dealing with professionals at all levels and maintaining composure but inside wanting this self torture to end.  Sometimes I will walk into a place and people turn and look at me and for a mere moment I think they might think I look nice......until I look in the mirror and realize it's not because I look nice - It is because I am fat.  I'm disgusted and disappointed.  In myself.  I;m embarrassed to be seen - especially in front of others - in front of my fiance in bed.  How can he look at me - it's disgusting to look at this blob of lard.  Oh yeah - I'm being negative but I am being blunt.  And be factual.  I don't care - I don't know what to do.  I wish someone would help me I really do.  Just on be lucky break in my life.  HA!  FAT chance....lol  I know others are going to read this and I really don't care.  I guess I want people to read what is going through my head.  And I don;t want anyone to say one word - I don't want anyone to feel sorrryyyy for me.  I don;t want nothing from no one.  I just want to be SKINNY again and love myself again.  Is that too much to ask the fucking universe for or whatever 'The Secret' is?

I am resting tonight as I have not slept at all for two nights due to all the thoughts streaming through my mind like a river.  And of course this stupid fucking ringing in my ears that there is no cure for.

I try to avoid the mirrors but need them to put my makeup on and do my hair but cannot avoid what below my double chin. 

So my Dear Diary, this is today like any other day.  Tomorrow I'll go through the same thought and self torture process.  I pray I will wake up skinny and I can look in the mirror and smile again.